Status Update

morning pondering

Blog post ideas come and go. There may be enthusiasm, tiny fragments or rushes of emotion. But all evaporate. Ten second voice recordings hint at what has come across my path.

I cannot seem to hold any of it.

I have let doubt sit down on my lap and given him a can of spray paint to obliterate whatever floats out of me.

I came to this place to sit and sort. To invite emotions and notions to come my way. I forget that they all come as they are. Fear doesn’t sit gingerly with crossed ankles on the sofa of your conscious mind. Doubt is rarely the quiet one in the corner.

No. These tea part guests are persistent and pernicious. Even when you shoo them out the door, the job of cleaning up remains.

Fear leaves imprints in the seat cushion so it knows where it belongs. Doubt hides crumbs, some more intentionally than others that you find in your more public moments.

It takes steam cleaners and gadgets you did not have when you sent out the invitations to this new life tea party play date. Your budget did not account for such expenditures.

A month in and I am standing in the mess of my life. The mess that I thought would be the shake loose and learn to run free part.

I want smaller, yet I don’t think smaller wants me yet. For one who struggles with taking up space, I can see the need for a place big enough to let me be, as big or as small I am.

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