How to Shower in Your Urban Apartment

*In memory of Crabby Joe, his lady Sue and their sweet Baby Ray.

1) Turn alarm off and get out of bed.

2) Mentally run through the days of the week and land on Wednesday.

3) Determine since it is indeed Wednesday, yes you must shower now.

4) Adjust water temperature and flow prior to stepping inside.

5) Start with your hair. Ged a good lather worked up.

6) Turn around and open your eyes.

7) Spot a dark mass near the faucet end of the shower.

8 ) While clearing away any soap from your eyes, and taking a step backward (hopefully your shower is large enough for you to take a step backward), tell your pretty little self that it is hair. The dark mass in the tub is hair. Even if you are  a blonde and live alone. Repeat this to yourself so that you can continue with the following necessary steps.

9) With shampoo free eyes, take a good look at the thing in the tub, making sure to move only your head slightly forward for this assessment. (Some dark masses JUMP, you know.)

10) Now, it is time for the truth. Since your eyes have already said it to your brain, your brain will now tell you mouth, which will let it slip out loud. Oh. A lizard. A lizard here, in the tub. Inside the tub, with me. A lizard.

11) As the words are sliding out of your mouth as slick as an oiled snake on glass, feel free to slide your drippy half-shampooed self out of the shower.

12) Use the time you spend rinsing your hair at the kitchen sink to ponder your real options.

A) Shower with the little guy. It will be like a tropical vacation where you shower outdoors after your breezy dip in the crystal blue waters…

B) Rinse him down the drain. He’s small. He’ll fit right? It will be like a water park ride for him. Lucky fella.

C) Call your landlord and demand Pest Control NOW!

D) What’s one day without a shaving your legs? It’ll be like college all over again.

E) Call your acupuncturist who is male, to help him fulfill his rescuing damsels quota for the week. Ignore the part of the conversation where he laughs at you, and then reminds you that at least lizards eat bugs. (Great. Now you have to get the picture out of your head. The one where there are lots of bugs crawling in your tub. The lizard, who hasn’t graduated from Ms. Silvie’s Chater School for Manners, goes about munching and crunching in your tub. Yes. The place you previously went to get clean.)

13) Shake your fist at God (just a little) for sending you a lizard with a hygeine complex and spark plugs with pricing that gives gold a run for its money in the same 24 hour time period.

14) Console yourself by admiring how nice and shiny clean your floors are…which sends your brain and your feet to the kitchen cabinets where you pull out a dustpan.

15) On the walk to the bathroom plot out your plan. The dust pan is small. The lizard could be fast and agile. It is only feet to your back door. Yes. Open the door first!

16) With a calm! gentle! spirit, and voice, approach the lizard and tell it to just hop right in. Use the little broom to help encourage him.

17) Walk in giant, calm! steps to the back door and as you reach down toward the ground the lizard scurries toward your hand.

18) Shriek. Just a little. More of a quick, slightly audible gasp of breath really. And drop the dustpan & squirming lizard onto the concrete stoop.

19) See the dustpan land on top of the tiny lizard (he gets to be tiny once he is out of the shower). Remove the dustpan & cautiously touch the end of his tail, praying you didn’t kill him after all of this!  in the end.

20) Watch the lizard scurry off as you shut the door.

21) Return to your shower, you, woman of many wonders. But don’t forget to swish some good, hot water around the lizardy spots first.

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